| Sparty Shite has, in
spite of the need to be put down, flourished in the
modern world and can regularly be seen around town with
it's new love interest the handsome and talented
Cheesegrater Adams. |
| |
| Bibby Shite,
discovered in a pile of children's clothes in a North
London primary school, the school decided to use Bibby
for their mascot. Bibby has been living the high life
ever since and is currently available for barbecues,
wedding ceremonies and children's parties. |
| |
| Scared Shite, a soft
coil which came about after the union of a small
yappy-type dog and a bowl of high fibre lard. It soon
came of age and went off to Hollywood so seek it's
fortunes, last seen near the set of Friends being snorted
by an extra. |
| |
| Porch Shite,
discovered one day hanging from the roof of the porch of
an unnamed bricklayer from Chelsea. The bricklayer felt
pity on the poor unfed turd and Porch has been laying in
his kitchen floor ever since. |
| |
| Footy Shite, the latest addition, was one day found
by the unnamed bricklayer who also took pity on the shite
and slowly, day by day, moved it closer to Porch's nest.
Eventually the shites became friends, and after that
lovers. They are currently expecting a litter of soft,
fresh, coils. |
| |
| Alas poor Ging Shite, after the kidnapping from a
Waterloo toilet by Jimmeny
T No-mates the famous turd-burglar of old London Town, it
was found washed up on the banks of the Thames. Fearing
that it was too late the turd was rushed to hospital and
after extensive excrement surgery is nearly back it's
feet. |
| |
| Part 1 |
| |
| Twas a sleepy day in
the small village of Dave and old lady Flaps thought it
would be a good day to bake a big cake, so bake it she
damned well did and left it on her dining room table to
cool down while she went off to play football with some
under privileged weasels. She was not gone 10 minutes
before the smell of the fine cake had attracted the
attention of some unwelcome visitors, and before you
could say "Look at the size of that, it's fucking
disgusting" David's trunk had slid in through the
letter box and was making its way to the cake. After
spying said cake it was only a matter of seconds, and a
sound not unlike that of a big hoover, before the cake
was gone. |
| |
| "That's me for
the day then" belched Dave and vanished off over the
horizon like a fat bloke full of cake trying to run. Old lady Flaps had to be rushed
into casualty after a rainbow ran into her pants and
started to nibble on her arse. She is now recovering but
will never be able to bake again.
|
| |
| Part 2 |
| |
| 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the
house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Or
so they thought... |
| |
| Old Lady Flaps had just recovered from the last
intrusion by the 'TRUNK' and was getting ready for bed.
She was excited because her family would be visiting
tomorrow and they could all share in the pumpkin and
sardine pie that she had laboured long and hard to get
ready, because she knew it was their favourite. The pie
was cooling in the fridge, she knew that she shouldn't
put hot food into the fridge but was feeling the claws of
senility ripping into her brain, so she did it anyway. As
soon as her head hit the pillow the tablets kicked in and
she was sleeping the sleep of the old. If she had only
taken two of the tablets, as prescribed by her doctor,
instead of the 6 she needs to get the buzz, she would
have been woken by the banging and clattering downstairs. |
| |
| It seems that the smell of the sardines had attracted
a few unwanted guests, the neighbourhood cats were
prowling for food. But unlike Tom form the cartoons these
cats didn't know how to open a fridge but decided that a
good plan would be to stand on the wheely chair, push off
from the wall, and then when the time was right, launch
themselves face first into the fridge. Obviously you and
I know that this won't work, but they're cats and what do
they know. |
| |
| After a few attempts the cats became bored of the
fridge opening game, and their faces were as flat as a
freshly ironed buffalo, and became aware of a shadowy
creature that had been observing their stupid antics.
Then without warning the creature jumped forwards into
the light and they could see David's Trunk in all it's
glory, because it too had been drawn by the odour of the
unusual pie and thought it would watch the stupid cats
for a bit. 'If only I had a camcorder' thought the
trunk, 'I'd get 250 quid for that. Bollocks', and with a
quick flick of the tip the trunk swallowed the cats
whole.
'So where's that cake then', the trunk chuckled to itself
and quickly opened the fridge.
|
It's just a shame that the cats had been eaten or
they would have found out how it's done, but they were
eaten and are now dead so it would be of no use to them
now.
As for the pie it was only a matter of seconds, after the
door had been opened, before the pie was history and the
trunk made a swift getaway. |
| |
| When Old Lady Flaps awoke the next morning to find
that her pie had been eaten the shock was so great that
it sent her into a massive coma, but she had wrapped her
families presents and put them under the tree so they
were happy, and spent the rest of the day watching over
her and eating cake. |
| |
| Beverly Hills 90210 |
| |
| I was watching TV a
while ago and stumbled across the new series of Bev, but
only managed to catch the end of the episode where one of
them got shot, which got me thinking about the next
series... |
| |
| Beverly Hills 90210
The Execution Special |
| |
| The kids of Bev are
out on holiday somewhere hot and dangerous when the US
suddenly declares war on whichever country they are in.
So some of the local militia take the kids hostage
because they're so rich and gorgeous (yeah really!), but
the kids put together a plan to escape. Their plan is to
rub expensive make-up into the eyes of their captors and
then escape, but on their way through the main compound
they get attacked by guard dogs. 2 of them die in the
viscous mauling and the rest get taken to the
interrogation centre and are ritually executed by the
countries leader. |
| |
| Now I reckon that
could work damned well and they should go with it, and in
order to get the ball rolling I've generously mocked up a
few shots taken during breaks in the filming schedule. |
| |
| Click on the
thumbnails to get a bigger version. |
